October 2011
3 posts
To anybody who can battle through domestic violence, a drug abusing partner who tells them they’re worthless everyday and still manage to bring up two kids while the other half is down the pub spending all the family earning on alcohol is truly remarkable!
Well,… that’s my wife’s birthday card filled out, I’m off down the pub!
“My favorite thing to do at McDonald’s is take the chicken from the sandwich, scrape the mayo and lettuce off (because I always forget to ask for a plain mcchicken) take the pickles off of the cheeseburger (to eat separately), make the bun and meat line up properly (because those little minimum wage bastards can’t take a few seconds to make the sandwich stack up right) and...
“So I was frying up some Kirkwood brand nuggets today, in a skillet on the stove. I left them for a couple of seconds. Upon my return, I find that there are TWO dead flies curled up on ONE nugget. I was amazed. I picked them off with the tongs, and thought that this was a pretty effective way of killing flies. I should leave one nugget in there all day at low heat and see what happens....
June 2011
1 post
May 2011
4 posts
walk in to bathroom
Some guy taking a shit
don’t think any thing of it
urinals have been stuffed with toilet paper, so i use the stall next to him
he hasn’t made a sound since he’s noticed my presence
i’m the snake and he’s the rat
he’s lifeless and silent as i wait for my moment to strike
5 minutes pass
leave stall and open the door, pretending...
April 2011
2 posts
The sexiest night of my life
be 17
driving dad’s BMW m3
nervous
Cousin calls asking for school help
explain to cousin
cousin is hot
we get to talking about how cool the m3 is
She tells me to come over and he had some tips on driving
She and I talk for a few hours, watch a movie
he accidentally touches my thigh
I get hard
cousin looks at me
i notice how hot she is
She kisses me. Deep
She fondles my breasts
...
March 2011
2 posts
February 2011
22 posts
I just had a rather harrowing experience…
I was greeted by a group of friendly Chinese people.
A quote by @indefensible about himself
Dated 3rd March, 2006
——-
We bought a daybed for $5k, ostensibly because it was on special. A daybed.
It’s white leather. I’m not allowed to sit on it. $5k. Daybed.
White.
Leather.
Can’t sleep. Clowns will eat me.
We’re design whores, don’t forget. I live in a very chi-chi concrete box that cost way too much and drive a black mini cooper....
Phew! (this is a joke. It did not really happen)
“Wake up! Wake up!” My boss said as he found me asleep at my work desk.
“Sir, I was having the craziest dream that I was getting fired for sleeping on the job!”
He smiled as he handed me a hefty bonus cheque.
“Nonsense, you’re the best pillow tester we’ve ever had!”
Met a work colleague who was telling me he has been married for 20yrs… I was thinking wow that’s so long then I realize that he was only married in 1990.
Fuck me time has gone into warp drive…. I’m hitting 88 mph and going back to the 80s, fuck this shit.
Great joke I'd forgotten
A man walks in to the bar and orders a double whiskey. “My god I’m horny” he says, “the wife just doesnt want to know, she’s frigid, I havent had sex for ages”.
The barman replies “Well today might just be your lucky day - some right dirty slapper came in earlier, gagging for sex, she couldn’t get enough. She went out to the shed and took anyone...
Your first MILF/DILF
Hey guys.
Who was your friend movie MILF/DILF?
Picture related
Picture Very Related
Picture Very Very Related
Then she got her perm for part 2 and lost me. :(
Question for everyone
Would you rather eat the poop of an ugly person but with nice whipped cream and strawberries mixed in, or would you choose to eat the poop of an attractive person, but with prawns and ox tongue and diced up dog noses in it instead?
EDIT: You can have the prawn/tongue/dognose salad mixed into the ugly persons poop if you wish, however the cream and strawberries are not available for the sexy...
Apparently there is some kind of “law” which prohibits someone mixing their pet dogs semen in with their own to top it up before submitting it to a fertility clinic.
Who’d have thunk it?
Shit guys, I’m in big trouble.
My girlfriend has found out about my fiancee.
Now they are both on their way to my house to tell my wife.
I work at a phonesex line. I don't cum when I say...
I work at a fertility clinic. I cum in your cum. ...
I work at cum. Sometimes I will McDonalds in your...
I love tumblr
I post a joke about cheating on my wife and not respecting my girlfriend = 100+ likes
I post a genuine heartfelt thought about the fleeting innocence of my children and how I wish I had those days back for myself = 1 like
You guys keep me true to myself.
Now show me your tits.
My kids are currently in the throes of their...
Valentines Day screwup
For fuck’s sake, what a mess to sort out. I can’t believe I’ve mixed their Valentines cards up.
The girlfriend now thinks I love her and the wife thinks I want to fuck her.
That game The Sims is pretty cool.
Today I built a wall around my wife in the kitchen, shagged two of the neighbours, invited myself around some blokes house used his toilet then left, quit my job, spent all my money on microwaves and put them in the garden, planted tree’s around the microwaves, turned the telly around 180 Degrees, met a gay bloke and shagged him aswell, got rid of the...
January 2011
4 posts
The Doors
Imagine punching somebody so hard that they turned into a door. Then you found out that’s where ALL doors came from, and you got initiated into a murder club that makes doors. The stronger you punch, the better the door. So there are like super strong murderers who punch people into Venetian doors and shit.
I was told to stop posting to twitter
Apparently I’m not as interesting as I thought.
December 2010
6 posts
100% true
It was a hot summer day and I was in my workout room benching 1200 pounds. My abs were flexing and girls within a 10 mile radius were getting wet. Once I was done with my daily 32 hour workout I called one of the bitches I know, Senjogahara. She is really fucking hot and looks like a supermodel. SO I got into my Lamborghini Gallardo and reved it up to 40,000 RPM (this is an Italian import with...
SHIT! WHAT IS MY TUMBLARITY SCORE!?! WHERE DO I...
Reblog if you want (1+) secrets posted in your ask...
I don’t even know what this is but I want it.
I think I am over social media for the time...
Should I just kill myself as I am obviously irrelevant now?
Over the past few weeks I had noticed a co-worker in my area uses Facebook a lot. As in, all day. Whenever anyone who isn’t me is around, he is on facebook.
If anyone else appears in our area, he will alt-tab away to a spreadsheet or something like that.
I decided that he is obviously cool with stuff like that, so i decided to be a bit more relaxed, occasionally posting to twitter or...
November 2010
1 post
Bored with your sex life
i just wanted to share a little secret i found…
a few years ago my gf (now wife) and i were on the beach alone. we started making out.. we both had been getting kind of bored with our sex life. when we stopped kissing for a few seconds and she wasnt looking, for some reason i grabbed a handful of sand and shoved it in my mouth and went to kiss her. i’m not sure if i wanted to...
September 2010
9 posts
